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The Genealogy Do-Over: Golden Rules I Use to Pursue Genealogy and Family History Research
As you get ready for The Genealogy Do-Over, you might want to get a head start on the topic Setting Base Practices and Guidelines, one of the Step 2 topics.
I like the term “golden rules” because it invokes the spirit of The Golden Rule and focuses not just on my own research practices, but also on how I interact with other genealogists.
The Genealogy Do-Over: My Golden Rules of Genealogy The Genealogy Do-Over: Golden Rules I Use to Pursue Genealogy and Family History Research. As you get ready for The Genealogy Do-Over, you might want to get a head start on the topic Setting Base Practices and Guidelines, one of the Step 2 topics. “My Golden Rule is treat others as you wish to be treated” “NO HOOKUPS, NO FUCKBOYS” “I work hard and play harder;)” “Relaxing at the beach with my pup, good company, and drinks”. Feadship motor yacht Miss Iloilo (ex Golden Rule) is 39,62 meters or 130 feet in length with a beam of 8,10m (26,6 Ft). The steel displacement yacht is was launched back in 1986 by the Feadship shipyard and her naval architect was Fritz de Voogt International. On Miss Iloilo the main deck hosts a six seat breakfast bar which has been finished.
My Golden Rules of Genealogy
One technique that I use to come up with any list of practices is to look at them as recommendations: what key practices would I tell a new genealogist are necessary for success in tracing your roots?
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A recent example is the 27 Golden Rules of Genealogy as put forth by Australian genealogist and blogger Alona Tester. She has sorted her list by Do’s and Don’ts and she appears to cover many areas upon which most genealogists would agree.
Another example is a list that I put forth in my recent e-book 500 Best Genealogy & Family History Tips, entitled Genealogy Rules to Live By:
- There is No Easy Button in Genealogy. You will work hard to find your ancestors. Genealogy will require more than passion; it will require skills, smarts and dedication. Do not believe the hype of instant hints, smart matches and shaky leaves. If it were that easy, the journey of discovering our roots would have little or no meaning.
- Research from a Place of “I Don’t Know.” Your genealogy research will likely run counter to your cherished family stories. It will upend your preconceived notions about certain events and people. It will change the way you think about your ancestors. This can only happen if you research with an open mind and take off the blinders.
- Track Your Work and Cite Your Sources. When I started out in genealogy, I will admit I was a name collector and would “dump” almost any name into my database. Years later, I am crossing out entire branches of a tree that never really should have been “grafted” on to mine. Use a research log, track your work, cite your sources, and analyze data before it is entered into any software or online family tree program.
- Ask for Help. The genealogy community is populated with people of all skill levels and areas of expertise, most of whom want to assist others. There are no stupid questions; we all started as beginners. There is no right way to ask. Post a query on Facebook, ask a question during a webinar, or email your favorite genealogy rock star.
- You Can’t Edit a Blank Page. Which means: you have to start in order to have something to work with. That project you keep putting off, like publishing your family history, will not complete itself. Commit yourself to move from “obsession” to “reality.” Remember: A year from now, you will wish you had started today.
- Work and Think Like Your Ancestors. While I am not sure about your ancestors, mine were resourceful and developed tools and skills to get what they wanted. They were not “educated” per se, but they had “street smarts” and knew where to go so they could learn new things. Also, make sure you have a plan; my ancestors did not just wake up one day and on a whim decide to come to America and make a better life. They had a plan, they had a network of people to help them, and they made it happen.
- You Do Not Own Your Ancestors. Researching your roots can create emotional connections to not only your ancestors, but to the actual research itself. Many people become “possessive” of their ancestors and fail to realize that a 3rd great-grandparent is likely the ancestor of hundreds of others. You cannot take your research or your ancestor with you when you die; take time to share your research and be open to differences in information and research when collaborating with others.
- Be Nice. The Genealogy Community is a Small Place. While there are millions of people searching for ancestors, genealogists worldwide have developed a community with relatively few degrees of separation. Whether it is online in a Facebook group or in-person at genealogy conference, it is likely you will already know someone. Being “genealogy nice” is not fake; the connections with other researchers tend to be deep and genuine. We know that all of our roots are interlocked and a genealogist cannot always go it alone.
- Give and Be Abundant. Exchange information freely with other researchers; do not hold data “close” to you or exchange it in lieu of something else. Most genealogists who have heard me speak know my own story of abundance: Do not let your hand keep a tight grip on information. Let it go. Once your hand is free, it can be open and ready to receive the next good thing coming your way.
What Are Your Golden Rules of Genealogy?
Are you ready to come up with your own list of Golden Rules? Since all advice is autobiographical (it is based on your own experience), look back at your past failures and successes and come up with your own list. When creating your list, you may want to divide it into sub-groups such as:
- Required
- Important
- Optional
Would you be willing to share them with others who are doing The Genealogy Do-Over? One option is to post them at your own genealogy blog or post them at The Genealogy Do-Over Group on Facebook.
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I’m a 27-year-old man in a two-year relationship with a 26-year-old woman. My last partner cheated and lied and did some unforgivable things. I wasn’t blameless—I stayed with her long after I realized it wasn’t working—but our relationship did unearth a kink. After I found out about her cheating, I got extremely turned on thinking about it. I never told her.
Enter my next girlfriend. We were together a few months before I brought up my kink. She was very accommodating (dirty talk about her cheating, making up stories about cheating) and then, after some months, she admitted that it was something she wanted to try in real life. I said I was okay with it as long as I had the option to pursue other partners as well. We agreed on some rules and gave it a shot. She set up a date through OkCupid and had sex with someone; I hooked up with an ex. Everything seemed to be turning out great. Then two weeks later, she got drunk and told me she had seen the OkCupid guy again without asking. I was so upset, I nearly broke up with her. Having the guidelines ignored felt like a betrayal. She later admitted to seeing him one other time without talking to me first.
Are we going through the normal trip-ups of a newly open relationship? Or are these lies an indication that she can’t be trusted? I feel like it might be hard to find someone else who is into my kink and maybe we’re just having a hard time navigating polyamory. I love my partner, and I want to make this cuckolding thing work if we can. Suck it up or break it off?
> Confused Upon Cheating Kink
Your letter confused me, CUCK. Here’s why: you describe your relationship as open, then as poly, then as a “cuckolding thing”.
First things first: polyamorous relationships and open relationships are two different things. Some poly relationships are open, but many poly relationships are closed—that is, three people (or more) are involved with each other exclusively, i.e., no randoms, no romancing potential fourths, fifths, or sixths. The reverse is also true: not all open relationships are poly. Two people in an open relationship may allow fucking around with other people with the understanding that there will be no dating or—God forbid—falling in love with anyone else.
And then there’s cuckolding. The whole “cuckolding thing” is about the female half of a heterosexual couple breaking the rules and then rubbing her partner’s nose in the evidence of her cheating. (Some cuckolds get off on literally having their noses rubbed in the evidence.) Cuckolding is eroticized betrayal, CUCK, and you spent months fantasizing with your girlfriend about being betrayed. All that dirty talk, all those made-up stories—remember? But when it came time to turn your fantasies into reality, CUCK, you laid out the rules for what sounds like a fairly standard open-not-poly relationship: she could fuck other people and so could you. Once again, I’m confused: the cuckold in a “cuckolding thing” typically doesn’t get to fuck around. He gets fucked around on.
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If your discussions with your girlfriend were as confusing as your letter, CUCK, it’s possible that she was likewise confused. It’s possible that she thought the rules applied to you and not to her. It’s possible that she figured she was free to break the rules because betrayal turned you on. Now she knows that betrayal turns you on as a fantasy and not a reality.
I’m giving your girlfriend the benefit of the doubt here, CUCK, but seeing as you love her and want to make this work, and seeing as girlfriends who are open to cuckolding are hard to come by, on, and in, I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt too. Time will tell if she’s an honest “cheater” who can be trusted or a lying cheater who must be dumped.
I’m a guy who can’t orgasm during oral sex. I can during vaginal. It’s frustrating, as I can see it bothers my girlfriend. But while I get close, I don’t quite reach the apex of that hill. I suspect it’s a control issue. During vaginal, I have some level of control—during oral, I don’t. Help.
> Almost There
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Maybe it’s not a control issue, AT. Maybe oral doesn’t do it for you—it can’t get you up and over them thar hills—because… oral doesn’t do it for you. If it were your girlfriend who had difficulty climaxing from oral alone—let’s say she required a vibrator to get her over them thar hills—the standard-issue, sex-positive, lady-empowering advice would be to accept that it’s just the way her pussy works. I would order you to incorporate the vibrator into oral and/or vaginal sex and not stress out about it. And if you were putting pressure on your girlfriend—if you were making it clear to her that this “inability” to climax from your oral skills alone bothered you, if you were having a sad each time she “failed” to climax during oral—I would slap you around for being an insecure prick.
Why shouldn’t the same advice apply here?
Vaginal gets you all the way there, oral gets you almost all the way there—maybe that’s just how your dick works. On the off chance there could be a psychological block, AT, experiment with letting her get you almost all the way there and then stroke yourself to get the rest of the way there. Stroke to the point of no return—“orgasmic inevitability”—and then put your dick back in her mouth and blow your load. With time and without sads, AT, you may find the number of strokes you need to get up and over the hill diminishing until you don’t need them at all. Or you may not—because this may be how your dick works.
My girlfriend and I are having sex on a not-so-every-day basis, but that doesn’t matter anyways. The thing is, I’ve been lasting longer and longer every time we do have sex. However, she can’t last as long as I can, and eventually we’ll start having to use lube and then maybe 30 minutes later, it’ll start to hurt more. As if I’m “tearing” her or something. I’m left “blue balled” for fear of hurting her further, and she feels bad for not having me finish. What do I do? Fake it or just use copious amounts of lube?
> Bluer And Bluer Balls
Who says you can’t finish? If it’s taking you forever and your girlfriend’s pussy is giving out, pull out and stroke yourself until you finish. You could also incorporate strategic stroke breaks into your fuck sessions, BABB, to get you closer to the edge and give her pussy a rest. And you might find she’s able to last longer if you engage in a little midplay—think foreplay, but halfway through—during those stroke breaks: make out while you stroke yourself, eat her pussy, play with her clit. I bet your girlfriend will need less lube if she’s less bored and/or more turned on during those epic fuck sessions.